I had spent a couple mornings in the woods, and found that my back was bothering me some from the prolonged standing and no place to sit down.

I suppose I could walk back to my car and sit in the car if I needed to, but I had another idea, a Picnic Table.

A picnic table would provide a place to sit down, and a workspace for building things (assembling tools, like the string trimmer). If I were hungry after a few hours of brush clearing, I could sit down and have some lunch. It seemed like a good idea, particularly the lunch part.

Investigating picnic tables online revealed a number of issues. The well-built ones were relatively expensive, and I wasn’t sure how well their steel construction would hold up outside in the woods. I was hoping the picnic table would hold up for many years.

I settled on an unassembled, 6′ A-Frame Wooden Picnic Table from ULine, a distributer not too far from my home. The table was made of mid-grade (#2) pine, that had been pressure treated with MCA wood preservative. The metal bolts were “rust resistant.”

But before buying it, I read through the instructions, to make sure the assembly was within my ability. I was encouraged to read that all the holes had been pre-drilled and the bolts could all be set with a 7/16″ socket wrench. No problem.

But I also noticed they recommended an electric drill, tape measure, 1/2″ drill bit, and a level, the purpose of which was unclear as I was reading the directions. In my focusing on the assembly instructions, I neglected to notice that the table weighs in excess of 200 pounds. I decided to order the table, and drove to the ULine distribution center to pick it up.

As they drove the box of picnic table over to my car with a fork-lift, I began giving more serious thought to the weight issue. With artful use of the forklift and three of us guiding the box, it just fit in the back of my SUV. I’d decide later how I would get it out of the car.

While re-reading the instructions (and noticing the 216 pound descriptor), I also read that before assembling the wood should be painted with two coats of water repellant. I didn’t know what that was, but with some additional online research, I discovered that was code for “Thompson’s Water Seal.” This product is basically wax dissolved in a petroleum base that will evaporate. When dry, the wax remains and repels water. I was skeptical that it would actually do much, but they are the wood experts, not me, so I purchased a jug of Thompson’s Water Seal at the local hardware store and prepared to remove the picnic table from the back of the car.

It was much easier than I had thought it would be. After snipping the plastic straps holding the picnic table box together, it was simple to just remove one piece at a time. The table top was more difficult, requiring a sliding movement to get it out of the car. Then I could slide a dolly under it, or just “walk it” back and forth to where I could paint it.

I got it painted and dried, then reloaded the car, one piece at a time, and headed off to the Timber Pasture.

I had just assembled my Rubbermaid 32 cubic foot Horizontal Storage Shed, and moved on to the presumably more difficult task of assembling the picnic table. I’m glad I did this in this particular order, as the storage shed proved to be an invaluable work bench for the subassembly of the table. It wasn’t the best workbench, as it wasn’t level, and the plastic top allowed wood and bolts to slip off to the forest floor. But it was good enough to make the task easier for me.

I followed the directions with precision. Some of the pre-drilled holes were not completely drilled through the wood, so I needed to drill them through. But the 1/2″ drill bit (recommended in the instructions) was too large, and I ended up using a 1/4″ bit that I had brought with me by accident.

I also discovered that I had no use for the tape measure nor the level they recommended. The former was unnecessary as all the holes had been pre-drilled. The latter was unnecessary because I didn’t need a level to tell me the entire table was horribly out of alignment.

As soon as the last bolt was tightened and I flipped the picnic table over onto it’s legs, I could see I had created a monster. I blame myself. I had assumed that when the directions indicated the wood had been “pre-drilled”, that they had been “accurately pre-drilled.” I now know better, and I now understand what the tape measure and level were for. (Still don’t know that the 1/2″ drill bit was for.)

So the big decision for me was whether to tear down the entire table, re-drill holes that match up accurately, creating a perfectly balanced and symmetrical table, or to let it go.

I’m not proud to admit that I looked for some uneven ground (where the asymmetry would, if anything, work to the table’s advantage). I then decided that the twisted surface of the table wouldn’t really hurt anything, since I wasn’t anticipating having a lot of company over for a picnic in the woods. I left it alone.

Some day, someone will look at that picnic table and wonder what idiot built it in such a goofy way. I’m the idiot. Deal with it.